You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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