you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
