it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I did not marry a roomba.
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