I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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