we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
