I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
