Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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