nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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