The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
