I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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