im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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