I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
