oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
