..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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