i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
