He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
