Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
