You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
