i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
