drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize