Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
