cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
