Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
