I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
