I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
