she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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