My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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