My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
