I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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