I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
