I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
