And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
