Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
