If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
