My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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