Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize