I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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