my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
