omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
