Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
