I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
