Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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