I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The power of my boobs compel you
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
