You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
