Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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