Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
