she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you traded sex for a burrito?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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