You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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