38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
and she was petting her beer can
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
