Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have aggressive nipples.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
