i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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