the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Success! We fucked roommates!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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