Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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