Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
