If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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