Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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