I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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