Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
