apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
