Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize