Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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